Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Zen cow.
Zen cow who?
Moo! I’m at ohm on the range!
A vegetarian walks into a restaurant.
“What’ll it be?’
“I’ll take a PB & J on whole grain.”
“Would you like a drink with that?”
“Sure, but it has to aid my elimination.”
“Elimination of what?”
“White sugar, white flour and white wine.”
“What would you like to drink?”
“Do you have any goat milk?”
“Yeah, but that’s just for kids.”
“I’ll take a glass of blood light.”
“I thought you said you were a vegetarian, not a vampire!”
“Hey, I don’t eat meat, and I only bite vegans!”
A vegan walks into a restaurant.
“Give me a fake beer, I’ve spent the whole day napping.”
“Would you like something to eat with that?”
“I ate, but do you have any dessert?”
“Our chefs just made fresh baklava, would you like to try some?”
“No, I’m a vegan, I can’t eat honey because animals made it.”
“Are you calling our chefs animals?”
“No, I’m calling your chefs exploiters! Do you have any soy ice cream?”
“Yeah, but it’s manufactured by Republicans.”
“Forget it, I’ll have some nuts. At least they aren’t made by crazy people.”
There once was a new bakery
Where an interesting case we did see–
A kid with special diet
Nearly started a riot
When folks found out that gluten was free!
Dairy’s good for you, some say
But others would take that away.
They think green plants the route
To get calcium loot–
They won’t leach it, but cause it to stay!
What did the decaf drinker say to the regular drinker?
“What’s up?”
What did the decaf coffee say to the annoying regular brew?
“Up yours!”
What did the pumpkin bread say to the bran muffin?
“You may promote regularity, but I’m seasonal!”
Why are coffee drinkers so sociable?
They’re enjoying their drinks a latte!
What did the Intelligentsia barista say to the Starbucks barista?
“Our brew is hotter than yours!”
What did the Starbucks barista say to the Intelligentsia barista?
“Why so fresh?”
They live in the digestive tract
Those bacteria which I lacked.
I took probiotic–
It seemed idiotic–
But finally my colon is packed.
Drinking water, they say, is so great–
It helps one to lose lots of weight.
Though it’s not too hard,
And it drains out your lard,
The drink makes not a sociable date!
Dairy-free is a challenge, it seems.
Special diet’s not one of my dreams.
I tried a new scone
But it left me alone
‘Cause of the alternative creams.
Hardly any has celery–
Calories–eating it’s free.
This veggie is wild–
Consuming it’s mild,
But it gives soup the flavor of pee!
I have started to eat some meat.
I’m enjoying it—dinner so sweet!
Much phosphorus, though
Make my kidneys slow
So veggies and rice are a treat.
We find that we like lots of cheeses
My boyfriend and I—they us pleases
So during the week
We eat healthy, but sneak
Frozen pizza sometimes—it’s good, geezus!
My love spoke this wisdom to me:
The Pill and frozen food did free
Gals to have a life
And a little less strife—
Plop a pizza in, it’s easy, see?
Today was beef day ‘round here.
Now we watch tv with cold beer.
The Cubs are ahead
We don’t have to dread.
I was dieting, see, but why fear?
My good and great friend does say
“Let’s eat leftovers today.”
So he cooks with the pan
What ended now began
And we both agree we should quote “Hey!”
Doing dishes is a bore.
One may ask, What is it for?
Well, if the meal is grand,
Give pleasure to the hand,
Burn calories (you can eat more!).
