Goat Poem

Just to let you know, I’d rather be with a goat

Than here inside writing, though I may need to quote

These lines when I call up to see if you’re home

To go outside, run around, and, with me, roam,

And rhyming can maybe catch your attention

If I’m on stage at some goat farm convention!

~J. 2019

Poem to Old Glory

Born of love for God and country,

Flag that sets our hearts aglow.

Patriots bore thee on to victory,

Blood stained foot prints in the snow.

Our great nation, all one people,

Brothers, sisters, neighbors, friends.

Fruitful fields, rocks, woods and steeple.

All in one our nation blends.

Underneath our banner glorious,

Homes and firesides fill the land.

Freedom’s wings and ships victorious,

Vision peace to every strand.

Schools and churches safely cluster,

‘Neath thy peaceful folds unfurled,

Shedding Freedom’s radiant lustre

To mankind in all the world.

Tyrant foes may plot insanely,

Binding chains of shackled slaves.

While they rant and threaten vainly,

Freedom’s flag still proudly waves.

Cowards may quail and poltroons perish,

All their false religions fail.

Freedom and the flag we cherish,

Ever glorious.  Hail!   All hail!!

Inspiration of our nation,

Banner of the brave and free.

Jubilation!   Jubilation!!

Glorious thou shalt ever be.

Edward M. W., 5/16/41

Action of God Request Form

APPLICATION FOR AN ACTION OF GOD

DATE OF REQUEST: 12/18/16; 11/4/23

REQUEST: Peace on Earth!

REQUESTER: C JW, address, U. S. A., Earth, phone, email address, fingerprints, green eyes

TIME DESIRED (URGENCY): Now—ASAP!

EXPLANATION: Isn’t it time for Earthling humans to learn to work/play together?  Think how we will glorify You with works of peace—they could be much more passionate than works of war!  We will care for each other the way You have tried to care for us, with love and compassion.  We will learn about each other’s regions’ needs and give each other gifts inspired by You and our new peace.  We will really show our appreciation for You, with great projects and creative happenings all over the globe!  We will build cross-cultural earthworks, art in the land itself, and the Ocean will be cleaned and its creatures strong and healthy.  All nations’ flags will be raised to You and Your partners as people sing the songs of peace!  We humans will learn to collaborate better as time goes on, continuing to astound You with our works and play(s).  I really think You would like to experience this new and better turn of events on Earth!  

RELATED CULTURAL REFERENCE: Bible, Psalm 46:9

“He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear,

He burns the shields with fire.”

(A song.)

COMMENT: Please!

New Flag Poem

By J., 2016, 2019.  Inspired by Edward M. W., “Poem to Old Glory,” 1941

Liberty’s your inspiration,

Flag that sets our hearts aglow.

Patriots need you more than ever,

Election time of friend or foe.

One great nation, all one people,

White and black, Hispanic friends

Asian, Amerindian voters

All in one our nation blends.

Underneath our banner glorious,

Problems dwell like big old trees.

Freedom’s needed and belief

In one solution—it is peace.

Mosques and churches safely cluster

When threat comes from out or in.

Now’s the time to act together

As our better history’s been.

Tyrants, greedy, plot insanely,

Shackling workers of our state

Handgun violence rages wildly—

Where is Freedom’s flag to date?

Cowards may spend and steal the fabric

Of our stars and stripes, so low,

Yet we, together, make another—

Women, men, children in tow. 

Inspiration of our nation,

Those who try and try again. 

Jubilation!  Jubilation!

Glorious in the happy din!

Poem to New Glory

Poem to the World Flag, with Photo of Earth in Space on it, View Switched Yearly

Poem to New Glory

Born of love for land and ocean,

Flag that sets our hearts aglow.

Spacemen saw Earth in their motion

And left Moon footprints as hello!

Our great Planet, all one people,

Brothers, sisters, neighbors, friends,

Fruitful fields, rocks, domes and steeple:

All in one our Planet blends.

Underneath our banner glorious,

Songs and stories by the band,

All free to play and be victorious,

Shaking peace with every hand.

Mosques and churches safely cluster,

‘Neath thy tranquil folds unfurled,

Sharing concord’s radiant luster

With humankind in all the world.

Alien foes plotted insanely,

Invading, stealing lands from braves

But new and old world converse plainly,

Humanity’s great flag now waves.

Cowards may quail and fools may falter,

Hypocrites’ religions fail.

Liberty, the globe, won’t tumble, 

Ever glorious.  Hail!  All hail!!

Sharing human inspiration,

Banner of the true and free.

Jubilation!  Jubilation!!

Glorious thou shalt ever be!

Edward M. W.’s “Poem to Old Glory,” 1941, Original; His Great Granddaughter, J.’s, Expansion, 2014, 2019.

The Woman in American History, Study Guide

Study Guide for The Woman in American History, by Gerda Lerner, 1971, by J.

Gerda Lerner says that we are in a world where nothing happens but for the action of men and women, yet we are told that in the past, men acted and women were only acted on (Why History Matters, 1997, p. 132).  We are told that the actions of half the human race were negligible.  Furthermore, we are supposed to believe that the history of the activities of a small group in this country—upper class white males—is our only history, too (Why History Matters, 1997, p. 132).  It’s not!  Women are and have been a force in history, including American history!

A classic quote from Susan B. Anthony in 1853 is on p. 44 of Lerner’s The Woman in American History; it’s about training teachers, a profession which men were reticent to bequeath upon women.  “The lady may speak,” they finally said at a conference:  (The 13th chapter, “The Winning of Woman Suffrage,” also covers Susan B. Anthony, pp. 159-160.)

“None of you quite comprehend the cause of the disrespect of which you complain.

“Do you not see that so long as society says woman is incompetent to be a lawyer, minister, or doctor, but has ample ability to be a teacher, every man of you who chooses this profession tacitly acknowledges that he has no more brains than a woman?  And this, too, is the reason that teaching is a less lucrative profession as here men must compete with the cheap labor of woman…[to] exalt your profession, exalt those who labor with you…increase the salary of the women engaged in the noble work of educating our future President, Senators and Congressmen.”

CHAPTER 1: THE COLONIAL WOMAN

The book tells about women soldiers.  It also reports that in the colonies, there was a shortage of labor, so women did pretty well, being able to find work, and found value along with men in a communal effort, because there was so much to be done.  The frontier was similar.  Women had to interact with sometimes hostile Indians, and face challenging circumstances; they secured greater personal freedom than women did later in American history.  Hannah Dustin, along with another woman and a boy, killed 10 Indian captors and freed herself (p. 23)  

Anne Hutchinson was the first person in the New World to challenge the dogma of women’s subordination to men, p. 21.  An herbalist and midwife, she was forced out of the colony for her religious activities; 35 families followed her.

Mary Dyer, as a Quaker, believed in equality for males and females.  She and Anne helped the development of religious tolerance in the Colonies.

CHAPTER 2: DISSENTERS AND COMMUNITY BUILDERS

Quilting bees and other social occasions led to the formations of community institutions, such as churches.  During the Revolutionary War, women sacrificed to help the soldiers; they took over men’s jobs and raised money for the care of the soldiers.  Some dressed as men and fought (p. 25).  Mercy Otis Warren helped set up the Committees of Correspondence and wrote (p. 26).  But talented women like Mercy, Abigail Adams, and Eliza Pinckney were the exception to the rule; it took until after the War until ordinary women were able to aspire to the privileges of the few. (p. 26)

CHAPTER 3: LADIES AND “SCRIBBLING WOMEN”

After the Revolutionary War, technology expanded and more women could be “ladies,” reading popular magazines and subscribing to the idea that “a woman’s place is in the home,” losing freedoms and accomplishments that they’d had before.  Industrialization and other changes crystallized women’s sense of being discriminated against, laying the groundwork for the battle for women’s rights and suffrage.  

The ladies’ education, p. 32, encouraged women to write for the magazines, and the first novel published in the U. S. by a woman was in 1781 (pp. 33-38), and there were many women writers, who tried to widen women’s interests and improve their tastes.

CHAPTER 4: WOMEN LEAVE THE HOME TO WORK

Educating of women; Mary Willard, first provider of high school for girls, pp. 40-42.

Frances Wright, p. 42

Teacher training, Susan B. Anthony, p. 44.

Mary Lyon; colleges, pp. 44-45.

Women in the professions, medicine, law & business, arts & science.

Margaret Fuller, p. 48-49.

Women in industry, pp. 49-53.

CHAPTER 5: THE WEST AND THE SOUTH

The Western frontier was much like the original colonies, especially because there were so few women to men.  It was like life 100 years earlier.  

The South developed straight from the East.  In the plantation culture, domesticity was firmly enshrined.  The mistress had supervisory work and entertainment to do.  “Her case differs from that of the slave, as to the principle, just so far as this; that the indulgence is large and universal, instead of petty and capricious,” wrote British writer Harriet Martineau, p. 59.

Slavery was a labor system, but “terror and fear were essential ingredients for the success of such a system.” pp.59-62

The free black woman had few marketable skills except sewing and nursing; washing or service occupations were her choices.

Education for black kids was a problem—Catherine Ferguson, Sarah Douglas, pp. 63-64.

*Families and mother’s power, pp. 64-65.  Harriet Tubman, pp. 66-67.  Sojourner Truth, *p. 67  “The black woman is the forgotten heroine of our history.” p. 70.

CHAPTER 6: WOMEN ORGANIZE FOR REFORM AND WELFARE

Quilt-making bees were sometimes accompanied with book discussions, and raised money for organizations like churches and for “fallen women.”  However, men usually still controlled them. Yet Quaker women pioneered in organizing orphan asylums, free schools for the poor or black kids, and prison aid societies.  Other denominations did not lag far behind.  Dorothea Dix, pp. 72-75.  Antislavery groups, Lucretia Mott, pp. 75-77. The Grimke sisters, pp.77-79.

CHAPTER 7: WOMEN ASK FOR THEIR RIGHTS

Lots of causes were championed during the Jacksonian era.  People married creatively, one woman even keeping her own name pp.80-81. Women planned for asking for more freedoms.  Elizabeth Cady Stanton, pp. 82-83.  Seneca Falls Convention, 1848, p. 83. Great male thinkers spoke out on women’s behalf, pp. 84-85.  Frances Wright, Frances Kemble, p. 86.Susan B. Anthony & Elizabeth Cady Stanton, pp. 88-90.

Women got involved as nurses in the Civil War, helping to establish nursing as a woman’s vocation.  They also established office work, government service, and retail trade as women’s work. Northern women went south as teachers for freedmen, and Southern women taught in new public schools.  Associated with this vocation were women going to schools, colleges, higher education, and coed schools.  Urbanization and technology freed women from home tasks, so they could spend more time outside the home doing things like securing parks and libraries.   Middle class women organized to fight temperance, child labor, and provide welfare; they exerted pressure on governments, both local and federal.  

CHAPTER 8: WOMEN IN THE CIVIL WAR

Women got involved with supplying the armies, caring for the wounded.  Dorothea Dix, p. 96.  Mary Bickerdyke (“Mother”), p. 97.  Clara Barton, p. 98, started the Red Cross.

The armies had followers, soldiers’ wives, washerwomen, cooks and nurses, as well as female spies, p. 99..  Also, some women dressed as men and fought alongside the men—about 400 of them did so.  Harriet Tubman, p. 101.  On the home front, women stepped into the places left by fighting men.  Finally, the war brought new experiences for women, who would never be quite the same again when it was over.

CHAPTER 9: THE EDUCATED WOMAN IN A PERIOD OF TRANSITION

The Freedmen’s Bureau gave relief to many freed slaves during and after the war; it was created in 1865.  Many women became teachers.  Josephine Griffing, pp. 107-108.  “The Negro’s, not the woman’s hour.”—women had to work really hard for emancipation.

There were women’s colleges founded; women worked at them, and when to nursing and medicine colleges.  Emergence of women in various fields: In 1850, the first woman was elected to the American Academy of Arts and Sciences, p. 112.  Women in the ministry, p. 112. Women in law, p. 112-114.  Emily Dickinson, pp. 115-117. Other writers, p.117.

CHAPTER 10: WOMEN ORGANIZE FOR COMMUNITY BETTERMENT

General Foundation of Women’s Clubs was founded in 1890; women used them for social, self-improvement, and keeping in touch in farm country. Ida Wells Barnett, pp. 119-120.  Clubs were very important for African American women.  Maria McLeod Bethune, pp. 120-122.  Mary Church Terrell, pp. 122-123.  It was clear that women had to get involved politically to secure their rights.  The temperance movement became a training ground for women.  In their dependency on men, they were sore afraid of their husbands becoming alcoholics.  Frances Willard, pp. 123-124, encouraged women to be concerned about their suffrage.  The settlement house movement tried to minister to the poor.  Jane Addams, living in her Hull-House on Halsted in a poor neighborhood of Chicago, was a great leader in this effort.  They were concerned with every aspect of the suffering because of poverty.  Florence Kelley, pp. 128-129.  Child care was a big concern during this time as well.  Sophie Loeb, p. 130; the improvements in society that women worked for helped all citizens.

CHAPTER 11: WOMEN IN THE ERA OF REFORM

In 1870, women were 15% of the workforce in the U. S; in 1900, 20%. Agnes Nestor, p. 132.  Women in labor unions, p.133-137.  “Mother Jones,” pp. 133-134.  National Women’s Trade Union League, pp. 134-136.  Woman’s suffrage was seen as a means at this time, not an end.  Some Western states adopted women’s suffrage, but there was opposition, even from women, in 20 states.

CHAPTER 12: THREE PIONEERS OF WOMEN’S EMANCIPATION

With suffrage, women did not get that much improvement.  The Depression caused them to exit the job market, so as to provide work for the men, but WWII saw women re-enter the job market.  The fifties were conservative years, but birth control, transportation, and urbanization freed women up.  Higher levels of education and more divorce liberty also changed society.  “Yet social values, mores, and institutions lag far behind the material and economic progress made.”  Gerda Lerner wrote this in 1971. 

Each of the three women covered in this chapter transcended the strict limits of Victorian propriety in their personal lives.  Mary Baker Eddy, pp. 147-149.  Charlotte Perkins Gilman, pp.149-153.  Margaret Sanger, pp. 153-158.

CHAPTER 13: THE WINNING OF WOMAN SUFFRAGE

In 1890, the National American Woman Suffrage Association was formed, and united the two branches of the suffrage movement.  There was new leadership as the older leaders died.  Dr. Anna Howard Shaw, pp. 160-161.  Carrie Chapman Catt, pp. 162-163.  Alice Paul, pp. 165-167. Ratification in 1920.

CHAPTER 14: THE TWENTIETH-CENTURY WOMAN

The vote for women actually did not succeed in winning them political power; they tended to vote along party lines like men.  Women in government: In 1967, women occupied only 2% of the seats of Congress; in other years there had been as many as 20 women in Congress…pp. 172-173. “…the measure of the advance made by women in our society is not so much their progress as wives as their progress as persons.”p. 174.

Anna Eleanor Roosevelt, pp. 174-175.  Dress changes, sports, including dance, literature, culture, mass media, pp. 178-181.  NOW, pp. 184-5.

EPILOGUE

Women live a lot longer these days than they did when the nation was new.  At the time Gerda Lerner wrote the book, there were still a lot of housewives, who were charged with consumption decisions.  In this nation, childcare is still not provided for by government, unlike other countries.  Women are not in some top occupations, and Americans’ health is not as good as that of other nations.  “The rich contribution made by women to American development and growth, to the opportunities and freedoms we prize as the ‘American way of life,’ is worth treasuring and defending.  The challenges of the future are great enough to absorb the talents, creativity, and energies of all Americans—women and men.” p. 190.

Luke in Limericks!

Luke in Limericks!

Introduction

Luke in Limericks! provides a condensed version of the Biblical Book of Luke, the third part of the four Gospels, written by myself, a poet.  It is a companion study guide, yet no substitute for Bible reading.   Using modern language and a sense of humor when appropriate has brought this fresh view of the Gospel.  The stanzas are not verse by verse—some of them represent several verses because of poetry’s strictures—but they stimulate the reader to look up the actual Biblical references.

Limericks, as you may well know, start with a line of eight syllables, followed by another line of eight.  Then come two lines of five syllables each, then another line of eight syllables.  The five syllabled-lines rhyme, as do the eight-syllabled.

For example, this is Luke 18: 18-25:

“How can I get eternal life?”

Asked a rich man.  “For you, much strife,”

Said Jesus.  “Good?

God only should

Be called that.  You’ll need to leave your wife,

Possessions, all.”  The rich man blanched.

“Easier on a camel ranch

For one beast to get

Through a needle’s eye, yet

Your love of stuff you cannot stanch.”

Some help the reader to understand confusing passages, such as 19:11-17, the parable of the ruler who left three slaves in charge of some of his funds, which can be confusing.  Modern words I’ve used can further convey the meaning (“cooler;” “subscribe”).  

Luke 19: 11-26

“Here’s a story: went a ruler 

Far away to get more, pooler

Of his wealth—he gave

Cash three slaves to save

Then asked them how they’d done—cooler? 

Well, the first made lots—rich man said,

‘You’ll have ten cities to be led.’

The next earned less.

‘You’re mayor, I guess.’

The last slave feared his lord was dead

To him—‘You call me strict, yet meet

None of my needs—really, I greet

Not you, my worker—

You’re no tear jerker.

Give the money to him more sweet.’

The third slave’s money he had kept,

Because his lord was austere—crept

Behind the lines to

Make cash, and to sue.

At chance to withhold the slave leapt.

‘“Thanks’’ for keeping my cash out of

Circulation—yet I you shove.

If I’m so bad, why

Didn’t you get sly

Usury from the bank?   No dove

Of peace here.  Take away his cash’

He told the other slaves.  ‘The stash

Of the man who made

Most deserves a save—

From he who hath least, take all—smash!’

And to these words we may ascribe

The meaning that’s in God’s men’s tribe:

The one who can most

Righteously boast

They use God’s gifts gets trust—subscribe!”

I actually remember some of my verses better than the Biblical originals, as they stick in my head because they rhyme and have meter.  For example, here’s 12:13-21:

“Man, take heed of covetousness.

Meaning’s not from that you possess.

Don’t baby your soul:

Laziness takes its toll.

Be rich toward God, toward the world less.”

and another favorite, 12:22-32:

“As God clothes grasses, and feeds birds,

Worry not—He cares for the herds.

You cannot make tall

Your height.  Forget all

Needs, don’t doubt, for He knows your words!”

I feel that the overarching message of Luke comes through in my poetry, and that I respect the Bible even as I reinterpret it.  Take this classic verse, 12:6-7:

“How priceless is a human one?

Sparrows are loved by God and Son.

But every hair

On person there

Is numbered; your value is won!”

and this, 12:10:

“Who speaks a word against the Son

Will be forgiven—it is done.

Yet you will be toast

To the Holy Ghost—

Won’t dismiss your blasphemes, not one!”

I think that I have been able to create these verses because of my varied background—while raised psuedo-Christian, I did not grow up with a close relationship to the Bible (even though my mother learned to read by studying it; it was the only book in her house because of faith and poverty!).  But Unitarian Universalism, my childhood religion, taught me that spirituality can be found in many different places.  I studied anthropology and learned about lots of peoples with varied ways of living and worshipping.  Yet I wanted to learn the Gospel message and I had to study hard to do these limericks.  Using the King James Bible version made the experience enjoyable and challenging at the same time.  I hope they please and enlighten you, and give you as much delight as they give me! This has been just the introduction; contact me if you’d like to read the whole book.

Book Introduction

Following Directions

Artist J. has painted 66 11”x14” and 9” x 12” canvases in acrylic.  The images and words portrayed suggest reflections she came up with during talk therapy.  The aim is that the pictures and words give voice to her inner issues, struggles and successes in the work of growing a self.  This task needed the therapist (K.) to co-create a safe, creative space for J. to complete the stages of psychological development that she had missed out on as a child, due to inappropriate parenting of both mother and father as well as a confused society and world.  The work took 25 years; J. stuck with it, following the directions of her world to heal—to do the therapy—while failing to comprehend how exactly to grow herself, and even what work needed to be done.  There was no manual to consult—she and K. figured out the appropriate procedure on their own.  The work represents a dual commitment to life, the world, hope and mercy by both J. and K., as well as her parents’ faith in the therapeutic process, which they demonstrated by funding it.  The issues expressed may reflect societal and worldly conflicts, suffering and successes, as well as J.’s personal ones.  

Family Expressions

Our parents used certain expressions that are colorful and I remember.  For example, “First things first,” said our father often, and “Darn right!” or “Right you are!”  They’d both say, “More power to you!” and “I see whatcha mean, peaches and cream!”  and “It’s an oldie but a goodie” and “Hold your horses,” and “What’s your story, morning glory?” and “It’s time to get this show on the road,” and  Dad, “See ya later, alligator…After awhile, crocodile” (though Dad turned this into “See you later, prestidigitator!”) and Dad and Mom both, “Poor bunny,” and “Forge ahead,” and, as our father’s dad said a lot, too, “Carry on.”  

Mom would use the expressions, “What more do ya want?” and “Let’s give credit where credit is due!”  as well as “There but for the grace of God go I.”  She would also say, “So you did good,” when we had done the right thing, and, when we were fortunate, “Praise the Lord” (i. e., “Nobody’s fallen off the ladder yet, praise the Lord.”).  Occasionally she’d say, “Well, I’ll be damned!” if she was surprised.  She said, “Fools that they be,” and “Ain’t it the truth,” as well as ‘I’ll go there tomorrow “God willing and the river don’t rise.’”  She’d sometimes say, i. e., “Put your dirty clothes in the washer or forever hold your peace.”  Mom would say, “Broccoli, well not exacully, is within an inich of  being spinach!” and, “I’ve got it in my hot little hands,” and “Bless your heart!” Our mom also said, “God rest their souls(s),” and “(I. e., Our nation) is going to hell in a handbasket” sometimes.  She would also say, nonsarcastically, when we had done something intelligent, “Well, aren’t you smart!”  Mom would call us “Honey,” “Sweetie,” “Punkin.’”  Karen, another part of the family, called us “Dear heart.”  

Our father, when frustrated, would cry, “What the devil!” or “Jesus!” or “Hell!” or “Dammit!” When he made a mistake and wasn’t upset, he would say, “I goof-fed.” (His brother’s first wife, Lucy, made up the name “goofballs” for his experimental soybean burger balls.)

My sister and I used some of these expressions; we also said “Don’t fuss, Daddy, don’t fuss” when our father was getting compulsive.  And we said “I get it” or “I got it” or “I don’t get it” when understanding—or not—something, especially someone’s feelings.   We often used the term “cool;” we still do, and we’ve adopted the occasionally Valley Girl “like” to some extent (“She said, like, I can’t believe you prefer that color”) and we say “goes” for “says”—as in, “Ruthie goes, ‘blah blah blah.’”  My sister and I both use the Midwestern “go with” or “come with,” as in, “I’m going to the store, you wanna go with?”  We found “No thank you for green beans,” or whatever we didn’t want, useful.

I remember one of the shows on public TV would start out with a teenager yelling to the camera, “HEY YOU GUYS!” “You guys” was the term we grew up with for addressing more than one person, male or female.  Our parents used it and we did, too.   “Y’all” is better because it’s more gender neutral, but we weren’t raised with it.  Before “cool” came around, we would say something was “neato!”  “Groovy” was the expression the previous generation used, and was a little outdated for us, though we’d heard it used.  If we didn’t like something, it was “stupid,” or “dumb.”  If something hurt, it “killed.”  Our curse was “Dang it!”  

Later, we would say “yah hey,” which I think we got from  Bob and Doug MacKenzie, the Canadian comedians who wrote the Canadian version of “The First Day of Christmas—On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me—a beer in a tree,” etc.  We also listened to “Uncle Lar’ and Li’l Tommy’s Animal Stories” on WLS radio during those years: priming ourselves for Steve Martin’s humor.  We loved the wonderful Smothers Brothers’ Aesop’s Fables record, and I, Bill Cosby’s “Bill’s Best Friend,” an early one of his masterpiece records.  Both parents would say, “That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!” 

Marine Jokes & Vignettes

How do you know your planet is warming?

Hurricane Doobie has flooded your stash and you can’t deal.

A fish goes into a diner.  The waiter is a clownfish.

“I’ll have a tilapia,” says the fish.

“Would you like a hook with that?”

A baleen whale and a right whale meet each other in the ocean.  The baleen whale calls the other Mr. Right–”No wonder they hunt for you,” she says.  “You’re a a hunk.”

He replies, “Thanks a lot, bigmouth!”

“Mommy, I can’t breathe over here,” says the little salmon.  “That’s a dead zone, we can’t swim there,” replies her mother.  “The humans have not yet learned that the world is round, and their pollution will return to get them eventually.”  

“Coelacanths!”

What do you call famous sea creatures?

Starfish.

What color is a squid?

Whatever it inks!

What does a squid say?

Whatever it inks!

Who is slimier, an eel, a tuna or a catfish?

Gee!  They’re al slimy!

What did the bait of a catch-and-release fisherman say to the bass?

“You can have your worm and eat it, too, but it’ll be a pain in the mouth!”

What did one adolescent performance dolphin say to the other?  

“If you keep stockpiling those water toys, the other dolphins will call you a homo stupidens!”

How many maki do you need to eat to get neurological damage?

One or tuna!

What do you call the whales and dolphins who’ve rescued stranded humans in the ocean for centuries?

Semper fish!

When busy men do the taking care of the sea floor, they mess it up.  Look at the use of trawlers–vacuuming instead of pruning.   No more neighborhood for the seafood, all ‘cause the guys were impatient and wanted to get fishing over with so they could watch the forest clearcutting reality show.

“Fishermen with bottom trawlers, navies with spy technology, and miners and broken tankers–let alone scientific endeavors; humans sure keep us on the swim,” says a squid to a shark. “Humans keep the ocean a dangerous place.”

“Hey, the more humans use the oceans the more potential victims for me!” replies the shark.

“You know, you’re a symbol to the humans of their greed and ruthlessness.  You’re the caffeine in the ocean cafe.”

“Well, you’re not much better, donut brain!  Your three hearts make you sickly sweet!”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.  Anyhow, I can at least express myself in a way other than who I eat.”

“You can ink, but I can sink.  Humans who mess with me are taking a chance.  I’m defending the ocean.”

“One of my hearts is filled with gratitude.  The other ones are pumping blood and having an attack.”

“An attack?”

“An art attack–I get creative with my inking.  You know my eyes are more efficient than humans.’”

“Then it should be easy to obscure their vision next time they fall in, with your colored clouds.   Let’s work together: coffee and donut for every human’s descent to waste in their neighbors’ gardens.”

“Yeah, dammit!  We’e gonna get ‘em!  Those nutty dudes’ll get the hell dunked out of ‘em!”